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Salut!
Je t'adore, mon amour, ma beau. I love you, dearly. Always. I love you.
Adore,
Ta fraise.
Je t'adore, mon amour, ma beau. I love you, dearly. Always. I love you.
Adore,
Ta fraise.
May 11th, 2009
May 7th, 2009
May 1st, 2009
Hello all! Anyone who's reading this. My dear friends, I am sorry I've neglected my poor livejouirnal these days. It has been so long.
Instead of catching you up on everything, let me just state a few things.
- My two best friends I've been praying desperately for for over a year have both finally accpeted Christ as their savior! :D
- My laptop is broken.
- I committed to reading the bible through, and am proud to admit it is very pleasing.
Through the inspiration of a friend and much prayers, I'm at a point in my life where I am finally giving God my all. I am trusting in Him with my everything and I desire to put him first and foremost in my life. I've given God permission to use His amazing power to restore and heal me, forgive me, and mold me into who he wants me to be in Him. I want to minister to others with my life, therefore I must daily place my life in Him.
I've realized (and have been reminded of) several important things.God is a just God. He is Almighty. He is Jealous. He is perfect, holy, and pure. (Sin is unacceptable, and consequences must be paid with no way around them.) God's commandments are for our own good, to bring us to obediance to him, and to purify ourselves. We are to be holy as He is. Yes, God's saving grace has saved me from the sins I've comitted, and from the sins I will commit, but that doesn't make it alright to sin. Why abuse the blood of Christ? I will put forth effort, throughout temptation and everything which causes me a desire to go against God, to please the Lord and say no to that which I shall not do. Reading through Leviticus and the many offerings which had to be offered to the Lord, it showed me just how much more amazing the death of Christ is. Though His required offerings seemed radical and not ideal, it was nessesary to keep the children of Isreal from comitting the sins time and time again. It helped them learn their lesson, which helped them grow clsoer to the Lord. He saved us from the depths of Hell, the penalty we deserve to face for our sins, from ourselves and from Satan, but also from having to go through so many sacrifices whcih requires precision and accuracy. We do not have to go to a preist or offer lambs, rams, bulls, or turtledoves and so forth for our fallings. We can go to the Lord our God and confess and ask for forgivness, since Christ covered our sin in His ultimate sacrifice of his life. We are to present ourselves living sacrifices to the Lord.
My next point. My body is God's body. He created me, therefore insulting myself, rather it be appearance or inner things, it insults God. Underestimating my worth is underestimating God's power. As a born again believer, the Holy Spirit lives in me. Therefore, the presence of God uses my body as a temple. Harming my body, (starving myself of needed nutrients, purging, cutting, becoming unsober-drunk or high-), is sort of like vandalizing His temple. It is simply disrespectful and wrong. As long as God puts breath in my lungs and keeps my heart beating, I will use my body for His will. I will not use it to please myself, but rather find ways to bring glory to him. (Such as praising Him through music, helping another with school work, comforting a heartbroken friend, reading my Bible, etc.)
I realized that God hears me. He does indeed hear my every prayer and cry to him. Many times, the Lord says He will grant us the desires of our heart and that He will answer our prayers, so long as they do not contradict God's character and His will for us. As I take more and more of me out of the picture, and replace those spots with God, I've been much happier. As I grow closer to Him in fellowship and disciplship (?), I've come to realize my desires change. The more I'm in God's will, the more i'm finding my prayers answered, because now, my prayers match His will, therefore he replies. By not being selfish and praying for things I want merely to have or happen, my heart wants what God wants. I don't know how to word what I was getting at, so I hope you caught on to what I was trying to say.
And, my love, let me leave you with something I am daily reminding myself of:
Love does NOT envy.
That's it for now, love you always.
SAM.
January 7th, 2009
Almost all day yesterday, I was fine. Maybe not perfectly fine, but it was a much better day than those of late. Okay, so I snapped at my mother probably one too many times, and completely avoided contact with the family. Doing my advanced math homewhat somewhat gave me an excuse to stay confined in my room, but honestly, I was probably downright rude, I suppose. But I really felt no desire whatsoever to be around my family. I feel guilty I didn't do any of my chores, at least that I can remember. I need to make up for that. Hmm, but that's not the point of this blog.
Around 8:30 I put down the book I was reading adn decided to start trying to fall asleep. By 9:00 I was in tears. I was thinking things I shouldn't have thought about, and realized I couldn't keep myself locked away that night, so I texted a few friends. Only one texted back. "I feel so trapped. There's no escape. It's almost like I'm drowning...or suffocating. I was okay all day, and suddenly it unexpectantly just hit me, and the blow was a hard one. I'm being pulled under again."
My friend replied: Then pull yourself back up. Ah, I wish I could give you the power you need to do it, but it's not that easy.
(I know that I have to overcome this on my own, with God. And the support of friends. But it's up to me.)
Me: I'm trying to pull myself back up. I am. And I'm sorry.
My friend: It's ok, Sam.
Me: Sure? It's like no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, it never ends up working. I know I should be able to be strong enough and handle it, but I'm weak. I can't.
My friend: It's harder than it seems.
Me: Oh..
My friend: [blank text]
Me: You just sent me a blank text. I'm breathing again. (By that time, I had managed to calm myself down by taking deep breaths and repeating over and over again in my mind: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
My friend: Oh.
Me: Yeah. Well I'm going to try to go back to sleep now. Thanks. Night. I love you.
And there goes the story of my life. I suppose for now I'll simply work on breathing. At lunch today, I thought about imagining myself some place nice. Maybe a concert? Those are my favorite things ever. I'll try that next time. Unfortunately, after lunch I was crying at the begining of class. This is getting old. It needs to stop. But it only feels like it's worsening.
I'm sick of pouring all my pointless pain out on my friend who actually cares. Why don't the others seem to? It's not fair to my friend, and I'm determined to do whatever it takes to stop depending on him to help me calm down and not fully be broken.
How many more nights will I have to put myself to sleep begging Jesus to help me? Asking God not to leave me broken like that? How much longer will I be trapped?
December 30th, 2008
Honestly, I'm sick of it all. And I mean all. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of trying to heal. I'm sick of the life God's given me, though I'm sure he wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. I'm sick of feeling like such a burden, and I'm sick of feeling so weak and helpless. I have the power to help myself, so why can't I? It's not that I'm choosing not to. At the same time, nothing is holding me back. I'll never know how far I can fly until I spread my wings, right? It just seems so impossible. It feels like I've been pushed into a never-ending pit of darkness that leaves me empty and broken. Worse off, I take it out on others. To some people, like my little brother, for example, I scream for any small thing he does, even if there's no wrong to it. I'm so easily irritaed by him, and I can't control my emotions. I love him and I know I'm probably only hurting him, and I hate how I treat him. But I just can't stop myself from lashing out on him. He's 6. I'm 15. I have a lot of growing up to do. I want absolutely nothing to do with my parents. I find myself keeping a lot from my friends, because I know they can't help, and I feel they won't care. There's basically one person in particualar that I don't try to hide my pain from as much as the others, but even he can't fix me. I have to change for myself. It seems so imposisble though. I'm back to not eating again. My mother found a note from like October or something and found out I wasn't eating. I told her it was old, just a phase, and I was over it. She wanted to make sure I wasn't doing it for boys. As if that were the only reason she should be concerned that I wasn't eating. Truth is, though, I'm starting to do it again. I mean I do eat something, like three bites of cereal here, half a cup of yogurt there. I take my vitamen. So, what's the big deal? I mean really? As far as why I do it, I'm really not sure. It's not that I want to lose weight. I'm not going to starve myself for looks. Sorry, I'm better than that. I just on't feel hungry and won't force myself to eat. When I actually do get hungry, I feel sick after eating and somewhat hate myself for it. But still, I feel that's the least of my worries. I mean anyways, I went back to 155 instead of 150, that should tell you that I'm not doing it to lose weight anymore. Then again, I guess that's nothing compared to the initial weight of 170. Wow. 15, 20 pounds, what's the difference? I'm tired of sleeping all the time, but I feel as if sleepings the only way to alleviate myself from the pain. And I think, the earlier I go to sleep, the less likely I'll end up crying my eyes out, but I wake up in the middle of the night with a soaking wet pillow. I guess sleep wouldn't win over tears in a game of rock, paper, scissors. There are so many minor stresses in my life that could possibly be the potenital cause for some of this hurt, but I can't honestly pinpoint what that is. THat's why I don't talk. I mean, how do you talk about something when you don't know what that something is? I just want someone, anyone, to hold me in their arms so I can feel, not only imagine, or understand, that I'm not alone. I want to physically be reminded by someone that they ARE there for me. I know I over-react, over-think, over-anaylze, over-critisize myself, and that's all things that annoy the crap out of me about myself, but I am trying, TRYING, to change that. I want to better myeslf. My life isn't over, it's just a matter of finding out where to begin again. I don't know. I still feel like I'm holding so much back. It's killing me. If I don't accept the help being reached out to me soon, I'll never escape it alive. I need the help. Blahhh. You know, I say that the poetry and stories I write or depressing only because that's the style I write best with, but what if maybe that's just my sub-consious way of trying to seek help? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I'm just a teenager. This is jsut a normal phase, right?
December 19th, 2008
Okay, so I think I need to try and sort out some of my thoughts. Chances are this won't make much sense, but at least I'm getting it out, somehow. I doubt that none of the folowing things are the excuse for how I've been feeling lately, but oh well. It's still something I'm thinking about.
1] Hannah was right. I am hesitant. I think way too much, and I let fear control me. But I want to know what drives me to be this way? Is it because I'm desperate to please someone, anyone, that any small, minor mistake is too much, will make me feel like a bigger failure, and therefore I avoid the chance to screw up my life any more? But still, that just means that I'm avoiding living. I can see that evident in my life. Exhibit A: Read my latest poems. Enough said. But I'll say more: I'm tired of waking up each morning with the sole goal of simply making it through the day and going to sleep early to avod the upcoming tears.
2] All I hear, it seems to me, though I do over-react and exaggerate everything, at my house is screaming. Screaming is like the one thing in life that is impossibly terrible for me to deal with. It pushes me too far, and makes me think, say, do stupid things I will possibly regret. I simply can't take it. It makes me wish I didn't exist.
3] I'm never asked to babysit my little brother. I'm always told. I wouldn't mind it so much besides the fact that I can never have plans of my own and because he doesn't listen to me. At least if I was asked, I'd have a say in the matter and it wouldn't be forced on me. They know I am too easily guilted and oculd never turn down their request for me to babysit.
4] School. Ugh. I'm sick of people. I'm sick of a lot of things. I've come to the conclusion that I'm jealous. Of some people, I'm jealous of their friendships. I still don't feel as though I have the kind of friendship I've always wanted. The girls go sleep over every weekend, share clothes, do each other's make up, take crazy pictures, tell each other everything, etc. etc. I don't even feel as if I can tell my best friends all that bothers me. I've been told that they don't care. Soemthing else, there's a boy, and, well, I'm jealous. Seeing him around other girls makes me jealous. I never get jealous and it's not good for a person. I need to get over the fact that he probably doesn't care about me much, and that I will never be one of those girls. Why am I jealous? It makes no sense.
5] I'm babysitting Chaz, right? He starts having some sort of allergic reaction and I can't get in touch with my parents. So, I call my older brother. It's weird how now that he is farther from me, we're closer. He just texted me to make sure everything was alright, and he told me he loved me. You know what? All I hear from Chaz is "I hate you"s. I know, he's only 6. I'm perfectly fine with that. Mother says that she loves me entirely too much. And my father never says it verbally. And honestly, I don't really see it in his actions. I mean sure, generally I can see it towards the family as a whole. i also see and amazing man of God. But directed towards me individually? No. I don't.
6] So, I just finished talking to an old summer fling guy. It reminded me how much happier my life was. When we were talking, I felt like someone in this vast universe. I felt like I mattered, at least to one person. I felt normal. I felt happy and loved. I was called prettty. I was always smiling and I wouldn't dwell on life's negatives like I'm doing a lot latley. I miss those days. I think I miss him, too. But we've both changed. Life and love go on.
7] I'm not perfect, nor do I strive to be. But I also hate knowing that I'm not the best sister/daughter/friend I could be. I should be.
8] I've made some mistakes in the recent past that few know about, and hopefully it will stay that way. But, I can't seem to get past the hating-myself for it stage.
9] I tell myself that people don't care. That they act like they do because A. they're nosy, or B. they pity me. I feel as if me opening up to a person, especially if they encourage me to, is only burdening that person and I'm afriad they'll regret reaching out to me. I'm afriad because I'm so close to shutting everyone else out again. I know it's not good, but it's sort of the only option I see left.
10] I miss when people could look at my life and tell I was a Christian. I'm too depressed for them to see that joy these days. And I'm so broken. My prayers feel like one-way conversations lately. I know I can never be enough to please God. At least that's what I keep telling myself. And so I give up before I even try. I start every morning of with, "Thank you for this day," but in the back of my mind I'm thinking Oh great! Another day to get by.
11] I'm barely letting myself eat. I only drink water, and when I do eat, I feel guilty for it. I feel I have no control and quite frankly, just the thought of putting food in my body disgusts me. Sometimes it takes all I have to fight the urge to purge. I need to get a hold of myself before it gets bad. Since the begining of November, I've lost 20 pounds. I started losing before I went back to not-eating, but I'm sure that by not eating, I'm not making things much better, either. Don't ask me why I do it, because I don't know. Half the time I'm not hungry. And when I can I make it a game. "Let's see how much will power you have. I bet you cant go this long without eating..." It grosses me out thinking about putting stuff in my body unless it's like a fruit.
12] Some people simply disgust me. They've hurt me to no degree and could honestly care less. Worse than that, I've hurt myself because of some people, and the fact that they care hurts worst.
13] I can't accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, someone cares about me, loves me, thinks i'm of worth the way i am, and this could go on and on, but I'll cut it short here. No one is going to read this anyway.
December 15th, 2008
I feel so blank. So empty. Broken. On the verge of nonexistence. I feel like I'm living my life outside of my body. Living isn't the correct word, though. More like surviving. Yes. Surviving is the word. I'm so sick of living up to everyone else's expectations for my life. Why doesn't anyone seem to care about what I want, who I want to be? It's like I have to try to live perfect, because too many people watch my every move under a microscope, just waiting for me to fail so that they can point their fingers in my parent's faces. My parent's on the other hand, really have nothing to do in my life. Sure, my father goes to work and makes money to support us. But other than that, what does he do with the family? We don't do anything. My mother, on the other hand, wants to be too involved. She needs to give me space. When I stay locked up in my room, she needs to understand there is a reason and respect that. Don't they know what all their screaming does to me? I. Can't. Take. Screaming. And then it's like they really have no idea at all what's going on with me at school. They never ask how my day was, or if I have homework, or how my grades are. (Not that I'm complaining,) But I mean seriously, I could probablly start bringing in F's and they'd never realize it. They don't ever look at my report card anymore. I feel as if I can't be myself, whoever that may be, around my friends anymore. I feel like if something's bothering me, they could care less. They surely don't show it. It seems like the quieter I am, the happier they are. I see myself begining to shut others out again. I'm afraid to open up to even the greatest of friends because I feel as if me turning to them for help is such a burden to them and I feel guilty for seeking their shoulder to lean on. Surely they have better things to do than listen to me over-react and whine about every little thing. My crying myself to sleep is getting old, and I know the answer is simple: I need to get over myself. I'm not as special as I wish. No one cares. It's not important to them that I'm hurting, and my hurt is stupid in the first place, because I can't even pinpoint why I'm always so down. It's all in my head. I need to get over it. I seriously think I'm going to begin fading out of everyone's picture again. I can't be loved if I don't love myself, right? Well, I won't be loved anytime soon, it seems. I hate to say that, but that's just how I feel these days. I'm holding so much hurt in, and I don't even know the source for my pain anymore. Isn't that just pitiful? I'm just pitiful.
December 5th, 2008
So honestly, I'm thinking about today. What's so special about today, you ask? Well, considering the only classes I had were Algebra II and Biology I, I had a lot of time to think. And talk. When Jess showed me the papers about Georgetown University's thing, I decided to take that as my ticket out of English. The sub lady told me to take a vest, and it was off to guidance. Honeslty, I really do want to go to Washington this summer. The only thing that keeps me from going is the fact that I'm not too interested in the medical field, so it's like what's the point of going? But, Jess and Mrs. Tina convinced me that it's a great experience and there's always room to change my mind. So, I asked for the packet. And talked to Mrs. Tina. I love having adults I can totally trust with any and everything. After I left my lovely visit with Mrs. Tina (with my delicious Peanut Butter granola bar she gave me) I was heading back to English. Suddenly, I saw Mrs. Joan Thibodeaux through the window to the cmputer lab. I just HAD to go tell her hey. I mean it's been a while. And she, like Mrs. Tina, I can talk to. Besides, I really didn't want to get back to English, even though we were doing nothing. Needless to say, she got the sub to let me stay with her until lunch, and we talked about a lot of stuff. I told her some things on my mind, and she told me some things that made me think. She could read me like an open book. I only said one sentence, and suddenly she could tell there was a boy. And she knew exactly how I felt about this boy. And she told me about a personal experience of hers, something she stressed that she was telling me because it was me. After hearing what she said, I started thinking more. (It's kind of personal which is why I'm not posting anything here.) But, she really helped me figure some things out. I shared my blog and poetry sites with her, and she read it. Asked who one of them was about, and then was glad to know that I was now close friends with the person who had seemed to hurt me so deeply. But that's besides the point. As I was walking out the door, she told me to keep God first. And that's where I confessed to her. "Well, I'm trying. It's not that easy these days. I mean, I don't know." And, that's where this spiritual friend of mine told me, "Sam, you have a good heart. Don't stress over it too much. Remember, you're just a teenager. You still have a life ahead of you to live. Don't try so hard. It shouldn't wear you down." Sam, you're just a teenager. How many times have people told me this? I can think of 4 off hand, all while I poured out my soul about feeling guilty over something minor I've done. I'm by no way condoning these things, but I shouldn't forget that God knows my heart, and is forgiving. I shouldn't beat myself up so much after any little slip I make. God created me knowing I'd fall at times. And so He's right there waiting to pick me back up. I'm just a teenager. I'm just a teenager. I'm just trying to survive.
December 2nd, 2008
Hope you had a great day. Haha. I did, I guess. Music rocks my soul, bayy.
So get this, mother dearest just called me. When my little brother gets home from school, yours dearly gets to give him a bath (and according to her) put something "cute" on him. What's the occasion you ask? Wait for it...
Wait for it....
She is bringing him to the library tonight to take a picture with Santa! Oh joy. And even better, she's forcing me to take the picture with him. Can't you just feel the excitement!?
You do? Well, dear, that's not coming from me then. Haha.
I mean I don't mind doing it, it's just I'm 15 for crying out loud! I should have a little say in who I take picture with, don't you think? I suppose I'll get over this. Maybe not. Oh well.
Seriously, though. I've always wondered: What's the big deal about Santa Clause? Personally, I never believed in him. I saw him in a store when I was like 3 years old with candy canes and was totally TERRIFIED! I kid you not. Wouldn't you be too if this old, fat, white strange man who goes around shouting "Ho!" all the time claimed to watch you while you sleep and knows everything you've done and can put you on the naughty list? He "mysteriously" appears in homes through chimenys. What happens if a house doesn't have one? How does he get in then? Huh? Haha. I just don't get the hype of Santa. Never really did.
My head hurts, but whoo hoo for being home alone!
I'm going to do something "productive" now, haha. Yeah right.
And seriously, we will NEVER use the stuff they teach us so why should be learn it? When the closest real life example your teacher can come up with for learning something is how to bomb a country without hitting the little children, then I mean come on, seriosuly. If you're going to blow up a country, might as well give the kids a break and kill them too. Don't leave them poor, neglected orphans for the rest of their lives. Oh wait. Maybe you can send them off to Africa where people in America can send 10 cents to feed them. Haha. Okay, I'll just shut up now.
For the record: DANE COOK IS FREAKING HILARIOUS!
I just wrote a really long blog. And while looking for the song "Lullaby" by The Spill Canvas where it asks what song you are listening to, and I clicked the wrong thing, and now the blog is all gone. >:o I like this song, though.
Something to think about: There's a hurt that goes deeper than healing, I think. What if someone's hurting beyond repair? I mean like, what if nothing seems to take the pain away. It's not enough to seriously ruin a person, but at the same time, it's constantly there, maybe not always obvoius, but it's enough to make you feel it at any given moment. Is there any possible way to ever actually rid yourself of some pains? Even when you're okay, you're not all okay. There's always a part of you that is immuned to healing, no matter how much you try to get over whatever it is or to just forget about it. I don't know where I'm getting with this. Just my mind running a million miles nonstop once more. Does this make any sense?
Something to think about: There's a hurt that goes deeper than healing, I think. What if someone's hurting beyond repair? I mean like, what if nothing seems to take the pain away. It's not enough to seriously ruin a person, but at the same time, it's constantly there, maybe not always obvoius, but it's enough to make you feel it at any given moment. Is there any possible way to ever actually rid yourself of some pains? Even when you're okay, you're not all okay. There's always a part of you that is immuned to healing, no matter how much you try to get over whatever it is or to just forget about it. I don't know where I'm getting with this. Just my mind running a million miles nonstop once more. Does this make any sense?
So, I've been thinking. I'm not going to give anyone besides myself credit for ruining my life. (Wait, let me explain myself before you assume things, like, just for the record, after reading that one first sentence, you're going to assume this is some pity me, i hate my life, my life is ruined kind of blog, but, no, it's not.) What I mean by I'm not going anyone else credit for ruining my life is simple, actually. I'm not going to give someon the power to bring me down. No one is special enough to influence me so much. Sure, some things people do can and will bother me, but it's not going to take over me. I'll just throw it over my shoulder and get over it. You can't define me, so don't try to. I mean hey, I can't even define myself. Like when Chaille asked what kind of stuff I wanted her to paint on my wall for me, I honestly couldn't answer to save my life. So, if I myself don't know who exactly I am, please don't assume you do. You can't ruin me. So don't waste your time trying. You're not that great of a person, honey. Life is not always going to be some joyous, thrilling roller-coaster ride. Sometimes you're not going to even be able to get through the day without some slight hope to hold on to. Sometimes you'll feel all alone, desperate for some way out. But newsflash, no one's life is perfect. The people you see smiling all the time, even they hurt inside sometimes. So, I guess the whole point of this is just me informing you that you can kick me around and try to shatter me, but if I break, love, it's not because of you. It's all on me. So don't get too happy, there, okay?
When they see her as they go about their day, do they see her? Do they see just another attention-craving teenager trying to fit in? Does her words sink into their minds or do they simply overlook the meaning to them? When they see her, is it the disguise she hides behind that they see, or do they look deeper? Do they try to understand the heart and soul of her, or do they just accept the appearance and the act she puts on? Does anyone see that her desires are simple? All she wants is to be loved and accepted for who she is, no strings attached. No "I'll love you if you do this..." or "We'll be proud of you once you do that..."s. She's simply a little girl hiding behind wall after wall she's built to keep the potenial possibility of being hurt out of her reach. Behind the mask she wears, she's nothign more than a little girl wanting to be told she's beautiful, and wonderful, and amazing, and good enough just as she is. But she's afriad that the truth is she's not. And she's so afraid of that rejection that she goes about her day shielding her emotions from everyone and blocking different parts of herself from different people. If they can only damage what she gives them, then she'll keep mostlty to herself, for her own sake. Each friend holds a small but different part of her, so she easily fits into different groups. Will anyone see her, though?
November 29th, 2008
So, sort of like my journal which I went psychotic on and shredded three years worth of entries, I'm sort of starting over on this. I won't go back and delete the other entries, but, I'm going to pretend this is my first one. And, since I no longer have a journal, this may or may not become my way of escaping from everything I put myself through.
Haha. Emotional Masochist? Maybe not quite bipolar. But, Mosochist means enjoying pain. And in a sick twisted sense, I do. Physical pain doesn't bother me, but emotional pain is where it comes in. I go out almost intentionally looking for things to become anxious, worried, upset, depressed, furious about. I make up pains that truly aren't as emphasized as I make them out to be. I'm...not normal, eh? What's new?
Thanksgiving passed, and suprisingly I actually lost weight. It stuns me so much. I went down 2 sizes in jeans, and these actually fit me quite loosely themselves. I was afraid to go to the doctor, because I just knew the weight I lost wouldn't show up there. But it did. I lost over 15 pounds. I guess because it's something I've been needing to do (for my health and just my preferances), and it's finally happening, it doesn't seem real to me.
I love the holidays. Not only do I get a much needed break from school, but I love the entire togetherness, nothing can bring me down, feeling I get. Not to mention more babysiting, which means more money, which means more shopping.
I don't know what's come over me. Sam. I was never the type of girl who liked shopping, in fact I hated it with a passion (maybe because I could never find clothes I liked in my size, or maybe because by the time I was done my feet were killing me, or maybe simply because I never really had the money to spend). You would never catch me wearing make up, or spending more than 5 minutes on my hair. It's like I changed overnight. Suddenly I'm trying new things with my hair, like curling it. I'm using HAIR SPRAY. That NEVER goes in my hair. Ick. I'm wearing make-up, not just eyeliner either. I'm talking the whole concealor, powder, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow deal. Or, what about the stylish sunglasses I used to replace my old-person looking headband? The clothes I'm buying are cute and comfy, in my opinion (which is the ony opinion that matters). I love my new purse. I suddenly find myself texting people nonstop, or talking on the phone. For the first time, I could honestly say I don't want to live without my phone. (Which will bring me to the stupid AT&T ordeal, later). Over the past few days I've been told things like: "My, I can't bare to look at you. You've matured SO much over the past few months." "I've noticed a certain glow about you, today." "You're eyes look really pretty today. You did that yourself?" "My, my, Sammy, you're slimming down. Are you getting taller?" (I hope so. I don't want to be 5'2 all my life. Then again, I said the same thing about being 5'1.)
I feel like a totally new me. Not just appearance wise. My behavior, my outlook on life, everything really, is different. Don't get me wrong, deep down, I'm still the same boring, annoying, sweet, smart, clueless, random, weird, faithful Sam you know and love (or hate). Let's see if maybe I've finally found my perfect beat and rhythm in this world. In which case, please don't stop the music. (I hate that song.)
I'm also begining to consider a possibility in the medical field (Congrats Taunte on getting into LSU's School of Medicine in New Orleans! I'm so happy for you. I'll miss going see you, though. And aren't you glad I kept the secret? Haha. Why do people often doubt that I can keep a secret? I CAN. Point proven.) But then again, a part of me still wants to be a public speaker of some sorts reaching out to desperate teenagers, (when I'm no longer one, of course). Or, there's the part of me who still wants to work on an amazing magazine, or publishing a book, or a collection of different things (not just poetry, mind you, more like experiences, things sort of like my more meaningful blogs, maybe.)
Speaking of which, this is MUCH longer than I intended. And I could care less if someone actually reads this or not, so I guess I'll keep typing.
I still want to go to Austrailia and Italy before dying. The sooner I go, the better. I still want the patience to finish revsing and editing this extremely long "wannabe novel" I wrote. (Any volenteers? haha). I'm probablly getting my OWN guitar (instead of switching between the 5 or 6 between the house and church) and hopefully someone will come around and teach me how to play, (since teaching myself obviously isn't working.)
I've come to realize that as much as I want it, life will never be perfect, and people won't be, either. I finally understand that jut becasue it seems like a person doesn't care about you, it doesn't mean it's true. I mean, I often fail to show the people I care about that I love them. It means the world to me, though, so much, whenever a friend will randomly remind me that I'm accepted for who I am (and am not) and that they support me, love me, care about me, and the like. Seriously. That means more to me than you can imagine.
All I want for Christmas are the small, sentimental things. Things like: a hug, a kiss, a letter, a burnt CD, a rose, a paper-clip bracelet (<-seriously).
I'm starting to get a little sleepy, (maybe because I didn't get in from babysitting until 11:00 last night, or because I just took an hour long bubble bath with that children's lavendar and chamille stuff that relaxes you, or maybe because the weather is beautifully ugly outside), either way, I'll end this, FINALLY, right here.
P.S: Oh! Wait. I forgot to get to the AT&T point. Yeah, mom's once again fed up with them and is once again threatening to get rid of AT&T. Which for me would suck big time. All the people I talk to are AT&T. And I have unlimited AT&T texting, which again, is really good. I wouldn't be able to talk/text half the people I do now, nearly as much, which would kill me.
Something else: Why does Chaz have to scream at the game and give me both a headache and an urge to slap him? I mean seriosuly. He's 6. Doesn't he realize that it cannot hear him!? And NO ONE CARES?
I really, really, really want a romance straight out of a Sarah Dessen/Nicholas Sparkls novel. I mean, I want a guy to do the small cute things to make my day. And I want a guy who can okay guitar and sing to me. I want a boy who would give me his hoodie and (once he can drive, of course) just drive around to no where's in particular. I listen to songs by Skillet like Yours to Hold and Last Night, and it makes me want him all the more. I suppose one of these days there will be a boy stupid enough to care. It's just a matter of waiting it out, I guess.
Haha. Emotional Masochist? Maybe not quite bipolar. But, Mosochist means enjoying pain. And in a sick twisted sense, I do. Physical pain doesn't bother me, but emotional pain is where it comes in. I go out almost intentionally looking for things to become anxious, worried, upset, depressed, furious about. I make up pains that truly aren't as emphasized as I make them out to be. I'm...not normal, eh? What's new?
Thanksgiving passed, and suprisingly I actually lost weight. It stuns me so much. I went down 2 sizes in jeans, and these actually fit me quite loosely themselves. I was afraid to go to the doctor, because I just knew the weight I lost wouldn't show up there. But it did. I lost over 15 pounds. I guess because it's something I've been needing to do (for my health and just my preferances), and it's finally happening, it doesn't seem real to me.
I love the holidays. Not only do I get a much needed break from school, but I love the entire togetherness, nothing can bring me down, feeling I get. Not to mention more babysiting, which means more money, which means more shopping.
I don't know what's come over me. Sam. I was never the type of girl who liked shopping, in fact I hated it with a passion (maybe because I could never find clothes I liked in my size, or maybe because by the time I was done my feet were killing me, or maybe simply because I never really had the money to spend). You would never catch me wearing make up, or spending more than 5 minutes on my hair. It's like I changed overnight. Suddenly I'm trying new things with my hair, like curling it. I'm using HAIR SPRAY. That NEVER goes in my hair. Ick. I'm wearing make-up, not just eyeliner either. I'm talking the whole concealor, powder, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow deal. Or, what about the stylish sunglasses I used to replace my old-person looking headband? The clothes I'm buying are cute and comfy, in my opinion (which is the ony opinion that matters). I love my new purse. I suddenly find myself texting people nonstop, or talking on the phone. For the first time, I could honestly say I don't want to live without my phone. (Which will bring me to the stupid AT&T ordeal, later). Over the past few days I've been told things like: "My, I can't bare to look at you. You've matured SO much over the past few months." "I've noticed a certain glow about you, today." "You're eyes look really pretty today. You did that yourself?" "My, my, Sammy, you're slimming down. Are you getting taller?" (I hope so. I don't want to be 5'2 all my life. Then again, I said the same thing about being 5'1.)
I feel like a totally new me. Not just appearance wise. My behavior, my outlook on life, everything really, is different. Don't get me wrong, deep down, I'm still the same boring, annoying, sweet, smart, clueless, random, weird, faithful Sam you know and love (or hate). Let's see if maybe I've finally found my perfect beat and rhythm in this world. In which case, please don't stop the music. (I hate that song.)
I'm also begining to consider a possibility in the medical field (Congrats Taunte on getting into LSU's School of Medicine in New Orleans! I'm so happy for you. I'll miss going see you, though. And aren't you glad I kept the secret? Haha. Why do people often doubt that I can keep a secret? I CAN. Point proven.) But then again, a part of me still wants to be a public speaker of some sorts reaching out to desperate teenagers, (when I'm no longer one, of course). Or, there's the part of me who still wants to work on an amazing magazine, or publishing a book, or a collection of different things (not just poetry, mind you, more like experiences, things sort of like my more meaningful blogs, maybe.)
Speaking of which, this is MUCH longer than I intended. And I could care less if someone actually reads this or not, so I guess I'll keep typing.
I still want to go to Austrailia and Italy before dying. The sooner I go, the better. I still want the patience to finish revsing and editing this extremely long "wannabe novel" I wrote. (Any volenteers? haha). I'm probablly getting my OWN guitar (instead of switching between the 5 or 6 between the house and church) and hopefully someone will come around and teach me how to play, (since teaching myself obviously isn't working.)
I've come to realize that as much as I want it, life will never be perfect, and people won't be, either. I finally understand that jut becasue it seems like a person doesn't care about you, it doesn't mean it's true. I mean, I often fail to show the people I care about that I love them. It means the world to me, though, so much, whenever a friend will randomly remind me that I'm accepted for who I am (and am not) and that they support me, love me, care about me, and the like. Seriously. That means more to me than you can imagine.
All I want for Christmas are the small, sentimental things. Things like: a hug, a kiss, a letter, a burnt CD, a rose, a paper-clip bracelet (<-seriously).
I'm starting to get a little sleepy, (maybe because I didn't get in from babysitting until 11:00 last night, or because I just took an hour long bubble bath with that children's lavendar and chamille stuff that relaxes you, or maybe because the weather is beautifully ugly outside), either way, I'll end this, FINALLY, right here.
P.S: Oh! Wait. I forgot to get to the AT&T point. Yeah, mom's once again fed up with them and is once again threatening to get rid of AT&T. Which for me would suck big time. All the people I talk to are AT&T. And I have unlimited AT&T texting, which again, is really good. I wouldn't be able to talk/text half the people I do now, nearly as much, which would kill me.
Something else: Why does Chaz have to scream at the game and give me both a headache and an urge to slap him? I mean seriosuly. He's 6. Doesn't he realize that it cannot hear him!? And NO ONE CARES?
I really, really, really want a romance straight out of a Sarah Dessen/Nicholas Sparkls novel. I mean, I want a guy to do the small cute things to make my day. And I want a guy who can okay guitar and sing to me. I want a boy who would give me his hoodie and (once he can drive, of course) just drive around to no where's in particular. I listen to songs by Skillet like Yours to Hold and Last Night, and it makes me want him all the more. I suppose one of these days there will be a boy stupid enough to care. It's just a matter of waiting it out, I guess.
blahNovember 25th, 2008
I wonder if my daddy realized the importance of his message Sunday morning, I believe it was. You know, plenty of times his sermons are exactly what I needed to hear, or I can at least apply it to my life in one way or another, (with the exception of all the politics talk, which honestly bored me to death,). Sunday, though, God used him in a BIG way to basically slap me across the face. Several things he said will always stick with me. "The most miserable person isn't the non-believer living without Christ. It's the believer living for both the world and trying to live for Christ. The fence riders." Over the past few weeks, I had become just that, a fence rider. Ironically enough, just the night before, while text-messaging a good friend, I told him, "I've never been this miserable before in my life." And it's very true. Even when I was depressed a few years ago before giving my life to Christ, the pain I felt was nothing compared to what I had been feeling. I physically felt like someone had ripped out a huge part of me and each day that went on, the hole got bigger and bigger, and no matter how I'd try to heal it, it just continued to leave me hopeless and broken. A verse on the projector screen was Psalms 51:17. The Spirit laid this verse along with Joel 2:12 or 14(I think it is) on a friend's heart to give to me during summer camp. I lived by Psalms 51:17 for the longest time. When I saw this on the screen I realized once more that only God could always be held faithful and that I could always hope and trust in him and never be let down. I was just so scared that I screwed up too much this time. How could God want to love me this time. But I remembered that God is faithful when we aren't. And I remembered that God loved me so much while I was still a sinner that Christ gave his life. Daddy also told a story about a woman whose son has died. When asked which ten minutes of the boy's life she would relive, her answer was simple. "I'd like to go back to the time when he was young and he got mad at me and screamed at the top of his lungs that he hated me. In the next few minutes he came back crying and apologizing and told me he loved me." Today, I could only hope that God was just as compassionate as that mother. I was home alone and turned up the Christian music really loud, and for the first time in a while, I quit avoiding God. I was tired of barely being able to get by day to day and feeling like there was no hope left for me. I began singing along and then I prayed. I asked for forgiveness and strength to overcome the struggles I was facing in my life. And honestly, I do believe that Christ has forgiven me, and I'm glad that I'm giving myself back to God. I want to be used by Him, but He can't use me unless I give Him my life and trust him. I hope that I can still make a difference for Him in the lives of others. Maybe you have to be broken before God can make you beautiful and use you.That's something else. I'm learning to trust. Not only God, but other people as well. Today I opened up to a close friend, and honestly it made me feel so much better, and he'll never understand how important his love for me was, but it's one of the final things that opened my eyes. I don't tell the people I love that I love them. When someone says they care about me I fail to believe them. No wonder I've been feeling unloved and unaccepted. I've been pushing them away. I truly feel God's love filling my life again. I'm smiling. I'm already happy. I'm not holding back from telling others how I feel, and letting things off my chest makes a world of difference. I love my Savior. I love my friends. And I love my family. I'm sorry if I haven't been acting like it lately. Isn't the joy of the Lord amazing? You can say what you want, but I know my God is totally real and that my faith isn't a waste of my time. God is all that's worthwhile in my life, and beyond my life. I'm sorry for who I've become. But I hope you accept who I am becoming. [2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.] Also, one last thing. Someone asked me why I was a Christian, and asked me to please prove to them that my God was real if I could. Honestly, I wasn't sure how to answer that. I need to study and learn more about my faith. It's going to take some time, but I need to quit starving myself spiritually. I need, AND I WANT, to know all that I possibly can about my Lord. I'm just a teenager. I'm going to continue changing. But I want my faith to always remain constant. Well, I say that, but I want it to grow more and more each day. This thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. Love you guys.
November 22nd, 2008
I don't understand how I can be so certain of the absolute truth, and highly aware of the answer to an abundant and everlasting hope and peace, and yet deny it. I don't understand why I'm so easily denying Christ. I should not be like that. I know the truth. And I wholly believe it. Am I so weak that I'm going to let someone's actions, or worse, mere words, affect my relationship with Christ? I cannot change lives, I cannot make a difference, I cannot be someone pleasing to God if I'm walking in the dark. I pray God sheds light in my life and forces me to walk into it rather than away. I'm starting to wonder, is there such a thing as too far gone? I used to think not. But how can God love me? I don't understand.
October 18th, 2008
So I've just been overwhelmed by memories and things I miss.
I miss riding on daddy's motorbike.
I miss when me and DJ were both young and we'd watch movies together or play nintendo together.
Haha, I remember when I got mad and poured water over all of his toys. I was 3, how would I know that batteries + water dont mix.
I miss going play at PawPaw Roy's and hunting Rollie Pollie's.
I miss when Al and Sandra were together and I'd go sleep over there and that fourth of july I went ride get ie cream cones and we swam all day.
I miss nap time at school. I remember that time I drew all over the floor.
I miss some of the first summers in this house, spending every single day down the road at Lindsey's or swimming. I miss it being so carefree.
I miss the days when I lived by Dawn and Emily and we'd always be over at each other's house. I remember one time I was being the mom and I tried picking up Emily but dropped her. That was when we had the red picnic table in the backyard by the field.
I miss sharing the and straightener in the morning with DJ getting ready for school.
I miss camp.
I remember one time going to the camp with PawPaw June and Lindsey and all and catching so many fish. I remember Lindsey making me go pee in the woods instead of using the bathroom. I remember stepping in the ashes and burning my foot. I remember walking on the side and Lindsey falling into the water then coming back up and eating the plum that was in her hands.
I miss going to MawMaw Lil's. I'd always never want to go, but then never want to leave. I'd go play on the swings at the apartments with Kallie. I'd watch scary movies with mawmaw, and she'd assure me it wasn't real, it was all fake. I remember one time writing to a pen pal a her house in Expo marker. I remember getting an apple from her landlord for christmas.
I miss have races to and on the swings at recess, or just closing my eyes and pretending to fly.
I miss in 8th grade when Haylie Fans came. She clung to me and we became best friends. I wish I still had that purple dragonfly necklace she gave me.
I miss a lot of things. But I can't relive the past. And thinking about all this stuff sort of depresses me afterwards because it's not like I can live them again. But, oh well. I do miss those days. I wonder if when I'm older Ill look back to today and miss it?
I miss riding on daddy's motorbike.
I miss when me and DJ were both young and we'd watch movies together or play nintendo together.
Haha, I remember when I got mad and poured water over all of his toys. I was 3, how would I know that batteries + water dont mix.
I miss going play at PawPaw Roy's and hunting Rollie Pollie's.
I miss when Al and Sandra were together and I'd go sleep over there and that fourth of july I went ride get ie cream cones and we swam all day.
I miss nap time at school. I remember that time I drew all over the floor.
I miss some of the first summers in this house, spending every single day down the road at Lindsey's or swimming. I miss it being so carefree.
I miss the days when I lived by Dawn and Emily and we'd always be over at each other's house. I remember one time I was being the mom and I tried picking up Emily but dropped her. That was when we had the red picnic table in the backyard by the field.
I miss sharing the and straightener in the morning with DJ getting ready for school.
I miss camp.
I remember one time going to the camp with PawPaw June and Lindsey and all and catching so many fish. I remember Lindsey making me go pee in the woods instead of using the bathroom. I remember stepping in the ashes and burning my foot. I remember walking on the side and Lindsey falling into the water then coming back up and eating the plum that was in her hands.
I miss going to MawMaw Lil's. I'd always never want to go, but then never want to leave. I'd go play on the swings at the apartments with Kallie. I'd watch scary movies with mawmaw, and she'd assure me it wasn't real, it was all fake. I remember one time writing to a pen pal a her house in Expo marker. I remember getting an apple from her landlord for christmas.
I miss have races to and on the swings at recess, or just closing my eyes and pretending to fly.
I miss in 8th grade when Haylie Fans came. She clung to me and we became best friends. I wish I still had that purple dragonfly necklace she gave me.
I miss a lot of things. But I can't relive the past. And thinking about all this stuff sort of depresses me afterwards because it's not like I can live them again. But, oh well. I do miss those days. I wonder if when I'm older Ill look back to today and miss it?
October 11th, 2008
Staying true to yourself can be the hardest thing to accomplish when you aren't even sure who you really are. But hey, I guess that's up to you to decide. The more and more you become attached to people, the more you begin to mold into them. This isn't always a bad thing, but it isn't always a good thing. It starts with those small thoughts that you wouldn't normally have. Then, that turns into small actions here and there. Small steps. And before you know it, you are across an old bridge which no longer exists, and you have to work really hard to find a way back to who you were. Don't become someone else. Become yourself. You only have so long to live and then you have to answer for how you lived. Be wise, friend.
September 14th, 2008
What do I wish to accomplish? I want to be broken over sin. I want to live for you. I want to read the Bible. I want to pray more. I want to be happy. I want to be grateful. I want to please you. I want to be loved. I want to stay behind the line that divides friendship with something more. I want to be able to control my emotions. I want to better myself in Christ. I want to shed all insecurities without becoming prideful. I want to be a better friend, daughter, sister, and student. I want to love. I want to dream…happy dreams…beautiful dreams. Can you plant those seeds in my mind? I want a healthy thinking, and not morbid masochist thinking. I want you to be all that I need and want. I want this world to look at me and see you in me. I want to make you smile. I want to be a friend to the friendless and listen to the lonely. I want you to live in me, and I want to hear you. When you have a will for me, which hopefully is always, I pray that I follow where you lead. When my hard naïve head doesn’t listen to you, slap me, throw me, something. Search my heart and know what I want so much for you to know, and reveal the things I don’t know. Bring to surface in my life the things of which I am in denial of. I love you, and I want to love you all the time, through the storm as well as my great life. I fail to acknowledge how blessed I am sometimes. Begin working in my life please. Make me pretty, Jesus. Pretty in your sight, not horrid. I love you. I love you. I love you.
contentWith the exception of our little friend Gustav, life has been totally great. The dead fish smell doesn't get to me, and sure the water is comign straight from the bayou, making things a bit difficult, but life is stil great. Absolutely great. I love how Kaitlyn and I are so having a great relationship. Both of us are so happy. And I so don't have to question if she loves God, I can just tell. I feel like nothing is stopping us from being BEST friends. We have no boundaries and we have God. Life is beautiful. Music is beautiufl. Love is beautiful. I am beautiful. If I think I am, then I am. If I tell myself I'm not, that makes me hideious. God is moving in my life, and is faithful andjust to forgive. I love him with my life, my soul, and my heart. Were this a hit series show, I'd re-watch these episodes over and over again. So drama free. :) Oh, and I so am praying we actually go to Student Life in Gatlinberg, TN. It would be awesome!!
September 13th, 2008
1. You hurt me quite a few times, but will never know it. I don't know why I crave you, but I do. You're not good for me, and you probablly don't hoenstly care about me. I'm probablly not cool enough for you, but, I still cannot stop thinking about you, at all.
2. You bring out a part of me most never see.
3. You make me smile, a lot. You make me get butterflie. I think I might like you, but I don't want to . Gosh why do I always like people I don't want to? This is messed up.
4. I love you to death, girl. I don't know where I would be without you. I've come to realize I can't have everything when I don't have you in my life. You're the best friend I could ask for.
5. I wish you'd just feel what I feel for a moment, and know that it's real. You're one of my best friends, but sometimes I feel like certain things get in the way.
6. I wonder if you ever think about me anymore. You used to.
7. I admire your faith. I wish I were as strong as you.
8. We never talk anymore, barely, but I wish we did. You are amazing, girl.
9. I'm glad we're friends. For some odd reason, though, the song Invisible by Taylor Swift reminds me of you.
10. Not every word I write is literal, but not every word is figurative. I wish you knew which were which.
11. You're the sister I never had. You intimidate me sometimes, but even still, I love you. You've helped me through a lot without even realizing it.
12. You're thoughts on your love for God are just truly twisted up.
13. You really annoy me. I'm nice to you because no one else is. Sorry.
14. You constantly make me question "unconditional love." You make me feel worthless, all the time. I wish you'd just quit being so childish and act your age. You don't understand me, so don't try to.
15. You think you are all that, but you're not as great as you think. Sorry, I know I'm not either.
2. You bring out a part of me most never see.
3. You make me smile, a lot. You make me get butterflie. I think I might like you, but I don't want to . Gosh why do I always like people I don't want to? This is messed up.
4. I love you to death, girl. I don't know where I would be without you. I've come to realize I can't have everything when I don't have you in my life. You're the best friend I could ask for.
5. I wish you'd just feel what I feel for a moment, and know that it's real. You're one of my best friends, but sometimes I feel like certain things get in the way.
6. I wonder if you ever think about me anymore. You used to.
7. I admire your faith. I wish I were as strong as you.
8. We never talk anymore, barely, but I wish we did. You are amazing, girl.
9. I'm glad we're friends. For some odd reason, though, the song Invisible by Taylor Swift reminds me of you.
10. Not every word I write is literal, but not every word is figurative. I wish you knew which were which.
11. You're the sister I never had. You intimidate me sometimes, but even still, I love you. You've helped me through a lot without even realizing it.
12. You're thoughts on your love for God are just truly twisted up.
13. You really annoy me. I'm nice to you because no one else is. Sorry.
14. You constantly make me question "unconditional love." You make me feel worthless, all the time. I wish you'd just quit being so childish and act your age. You don't understand me, so don't try to.
15. You think you are all that, but you're not as great as you think. Sorry, I know I'm not either.